Top Gym Characters!

A gym is a dynamic place where you can find all variants of homo sapiens. It has everything you need and they are ample in number to pay heed. Every one over there is unique and I could not help but to mention it:

The-Stinky-guy: This guy quite literally stinks. Either a workout on a machine next to him or on a machine he previously used, it simply is intolerable. He usually has a messed up bunch of clothings of which anyone can be used as Weapons of Mass Destruction. Looking at him from a distance, you wonder how Earth would be a better place to live without this creature’s presence.

The Receptionist/ Sexy Pouncing Kitten: This girl will be the Cleopatra of your Utopian gym. Just like the Rosie Huntington from the movie Transformers 3 who wakes Shia LaBeouf up from his slumber with a cosmetically enhanced smile. And I know for a fact that right then, Every guy sitting in the 3D theatre was involuntarily leaning in front of the screen only have their fantasy shattered. And come on! Whose girlfriend wakes her guy with a fitted mini skirt and a slippery lip gloss on? It defies common sense! But we still love to drool over the fantasy. This receptionist/kitten will give you a sudden jolt of confidence in your masculinity. Her job there is to flirt strategically with you, so as to leave you with the fantasy of an absurd thought that she “kinda” likes you. This boost of testosterone will be enough to compel you into paying another visit to her before you make up your mind to spend 10K or more, on that gym. And if you aren’t, she will give you an actual demo and walkthrough of the Spa, Sauna section etc to seal the deal. Trust me, it works on your fantasies like a charm (you bet, she knows that too?).  Finally, you leave the gym thinking that you have found your new love only to get shock of your life the next day when she barely recognizes you. Now, don’t you blame her, okay? Attracting gym clients is what her job is!

The-Alpha-Male-Trainer: This guy resembles a character from the movie 300 and will not only be the centre of attention of all females  in there, but of yours too. However, you will focus on him for an entirely different set of reasons that will range from his facial feature, accent, intelligence related flaws etc. Your ego will not let you get bogged down in front of his physical stature. Nevertheless, you know you’ll try only to fail in the end. This spirit of competition seeded by envy usually inspires you to lift 15 kg dumbells. I bet you know what happens next? You sit tight at home with a muscle tear for a month which does nothing to ameliorate your sordid vengeance on him.

 The-Flirty-teen-girl : This girl will hog almost all the time of a good trainer. She will intentionally ask all irrelevant ways to exercises and will flutter her eyelids when the trainer would keenly answer to her questions to capture him in a mesmerizing trance.

The-Yoga-Girl: This dream woman would seem to be the Rubber Guy’s sister from “Fantastic Four”. Her flexibility will do nothing to motivate you into exercising more.Instead, she may infact be the biggest reason for your distraction. She keeps reminding you of the adult stuff that you never got to see live. To make matter worse, she will do all sorts of flexible stretchings, aasanas  that will leave you bedazzled and will make you sleep lesser that night.

The Pervert Hustler: This guy will make every possible orgasmic grunts while lifting a 2 kg dumble. Of course, he is under an impression that it attracts the attention from the opposite sex. He will stare at a girl’s ass jogging on treadmill as if he is trying to focus on her ass as a way to hypnotize her. He will ensure that he wears the least amount of clothes while he works out and will have John Abraham’s Underwear teasing scene’s Wallpaper from the song "Shup up and Bounce!" in his mobile phone. Needless to say, please watch out (guys especially).Prevention is better than cure. You never know who this predator might be preying on!

The-Attention-Seeking-Mom: She can be readily identified as a woman with a sports bra with minimum clothing over it and hotpants. She will spend most of her time in the heavy weight training section or trainer’s room asking for help on exercises in a hope to attract the greener pastures. To top it, she will ensure that her revealing cleavage shines everyday with  some shiny gloss that just makes her look all the more repulsive.

The Celebrity Trainer: This is the guy you will get to hear about the most and is obviously popular in the gym. He will be there in the gym twice the amount you would see other trainers in there. He will have all the latest sports gear and equipments with him and you could spot him in the same place on Sundays because he has no friends/acquaintances outside gym.

The Bat-Woman-Girl: She would look like a female version of Arnold Schwarzenegger. She will wear revealing outfit showing her ripped abdominal cuts and nowhere-to-be-found assets. This woman is too intimidating for anyone to approach because the repercussions of pissing her off are really serious.

The-Disproportionate-Assets-Guy: For some strange reason, you will notice his obsession with only ONE muscle of his body. He will work on that muscle unabated because of which he ends up looking like a disproportionate alien. Usually, you can identify that muscle instantly just by looking at him for a second.

The-Girl-With-a-Tattoo: She will grab hold of your wild imaginations that are unraveled every time you watch Kat-Von-D in L.A. Ink. She will look like the local and more affordable Goth-girlfriend version of Christina Scabbia. Her mysterious charm will attract and freak you out at the same time. You would want to go and talk to her but you will always know that your plans will backfire if you try to outsmart this girl through your obsolete art of flirting.

The-Skinny-Girl: She is thinner than kareena kapoor and yet is unstoppable when it comes to doing aerobic exercises. She comes to the gym only to get the male stares and to flaunt her perfectly fitting lycra tights to the other not-so-thin girls.

The-Permanent-Customer-Girl: This girl for some unknown reasons never seem to grow thin after hours of treadmill running and power training. She will elude all the laws of Biomechanics and Biochemistry and will restore your faith in Paranormal Institutions. You will see her being there in the gym 24X7 but would never see a change in her look. All Murhy’s  Laws will seem an exception to her. She is the one Gym managers craves for as she pays 20 percent share of the annual gym revenue.

The-Texting-Girl: You will know about her obsession with texting when you will see her struggling hard to find her phone while running on a treadmill to text her boyfriend that she’s exhausted and is fainting, even before pulling the ‘emergency stop’ plug. Repercussions of jogging/running beside such a girl could be tragic as you might find how pathetic his boyfriend’s life is, when she gets along with you  somehow and you have to reply to her annoying text messages every minute of your waking/sleeping hour. This girl will surely have a full on make up and is aware of the pace at which she should exercise so as to avoid sweating and ruining her make up. Besides texting, i-pod is the only field of expertise she has, to her credit.

The-Wrong-Timing-Guy:  This guy will come over and start a conversation just when you saw the hottie jogging  on the treadmill walking up to the water cooler. He will always spoil all your chances of striking up a conversation or using a cheesy pickup lines that you secretly read from one of those DIY( Do It Yourself) Flirting books that you have downloaded from torrents. Only you will understand the pain of keeping those e books hidden in some dark crevices of your laptop so nobody comes to know how desperate you really are. This guy will invariably spill your beans right when you don’t want anybody to.

The-Sweet-Sixteen-Looking-Aunty: This woman in her forties will have you amazed at her sleek and sharp features and at the same time, despise her husband out of your own self-loathing and jealousy. Even the most sophisticated mathematical equations won’t be enough to prove that something this bizarre could happen with non-celebrity people like her. You’ll burn to ashes once in a while when you will see your Alpha Male Trainer paying extra attention to her customized exercise schedule and will unnecessarily whine about your trainer not performing his duties well enough.

The-Photographer-Guy: You will find him clicking more pictures in the gym mirrors of himself than the number repetitions of any random exercise he does. Of course, he owns the right to click pictures because he’s the one who has a good body, not you. And till then, you will have to be content reading my scribblings until you fall into this category.

photo credits: to respective hyperlinks.

Why an average Indian dude is frustrated?

Ever wondered why an average young Indian male of Average Indian libido is unable to attract Voluptuous India babe of our modern era?

Reason 10: Kyunki Saas bhi kabhi bahu thi: This single daily soap opera has turned out to be the worst nightmare of Indian men. "These docile creatures had little idea of the catastrophic consequences of this daily soap" is how our future generation will quote this deed of ours in their history textbooks.
 All I get to see these days is the petrified look on every Indian as he looks at his wife/daughter/sister/cousin being charmed by the daily-soap-alpha-males apparently taking over a crore rupee worth empire in seconds with the brink of a signature. Mihir Virani for instance, has defied all common sense and is even beyond the scope of reincarnation believers. This one soap has impaired the psyche of more innocent teens than the damage done by Rakhi Sawant’s Ideology principles Speech on Mika’s smooch.

Reason 9: Gym: Ever saw those bulky muscle popping hard core gym rats? Probably yes! They spend hours crunched into making humongous biceps etc but fail to understand that they look like size zero models below waistline. A classic case of disproportionate assets (pun intended) if you know what I mean. To top it, these dudes wear orange coloured jeans paired with silver ‘deep neck’ t-shirts that runs below their cleavage (pun intended again). Cherry on the cake is when you get to see those dudes with 48 bucks worth sunglasses walking into one of the shopping malls. For the obvious reasons, our females have no reason to fall for them.

Reason 8: More than Average Eve Teasing: We (guys as a group) seem to believe that passing comments on some random girl walking nearby is flattering to her because
(a) Apparently, it displays our confidence.
(b) This is the only way we know how to communicate the appreciation of beauty.
Guys, We got it wrong! If you don’t believe me, ask the girl for whom you wake up early morning and wait 20-60 minutes (on an average) on the same road that she walks on just to check her out.

Reason 7: Axe: This one weird smelling perfume seems to have our young male (unlike females) generation mesmerized. According to the advertisements, their range of products can make you an overnight alpha male who can instantly convince women into sleeping with them. WTF? But, in fact, it’s the opposite. The hygiene levels (perceived by women) of Indian men plummeted after Axe started their obsessive advertising campaign. On a positive note, it serves as a last minute resort for the guys who rush to meet their girlfriend(s) every evening on a location nearby girl's hostel which is the holy grail for guys interested in bird-watching or N.S.P. (Nayan Sukh Praapti). For general nerds who fail to understand this technical concept, it's similar to electron orbital where the probability of finding an electron is highest (more than 90%). This location (orbital) is called P.M.C. (Piya Milan Chauraha). 

Thankfully, A youngster from Delhi suburbs has taken an initiative by suing Axe for misleading him into buying their products for years. Rupees 6576 was his investment into this seduction fund. Money well spent, huh? One thing that surely minimizes his chances of ‘scoring’ a girl to zero is that he let this desperate news go public!

Reason 6: Adobe Photoshop: To deny that Photoshop has not changed your life will be like living in a self-denial mode  of Miss Mayawati on Julian Assange’s Wiki leaks cable about she sending a jet plane back to her home only to get her chappals back. WTF?  she should have kept her mouth shut because it’s irrelevant whether those were highly customized Bathroom chappals or not.
 Photoshop has evolved with the dynamic needs of our Indian male population ranging from the need to look fair without using a SPF 30 Sunscreen, to saving up money on getting braces from a dentist for those monstrous teeth. It has liberated men of our generation from the shackles of the obligation of bathing, shampooing hairs, shaving, exercising, eating healthy food etc. This one tool will always be remembered as  the turning point in the history of mankind. It’s the only savior of male population in an era where you can’t even manage to get a girl to look at you because she’s busy finding her Prince Charming on facebook with thousands of clicks scrolling over display pics of guys (stalkers) in her flooded friend requests tab.

Reason 5: Mutual understanding among the members of the fairer sex: Facebook is usually blamed for being a biased social networking platform. For every character that a female writes as her status update, she gets an average 21 likes and 15 comments. Even a simple “.” posted as a status update by a female can cause a deluge of comments of concern from male counterparts. And we all know what happens when a dude writes something similar. :P Nevertheless, I recently came to know about the symbiotic relationship among girl-friends in context of display pics of facebook. They have a general consensus on liking, re-liking, re-re-liking a display pic of their girl-friends only to ensure that her DP is there on the top most section of your facebook newsfeed called “Top-News”. In fact, I came to know that the best way to keep your DP on the top in “Top News” section is to tell your friends to like it, and then unlike it only to re-like it again and so on. The same tactics follows for ‘comments’ as a natural corollary from the Laws of Facebook-ing. On the contrary, boys can never be this intelligent and hence they are nowhere close to winning this Cyber survival race unless they develop similar Advanced mutual cooperation mechanisms. Guys, I think you all got the message, right?

Reason 4: Gillette’s doomed campaign:

Gillette’s Shave India Campaign was put to shame by our masculinity which refused to shave off those facial hairs that not only hurts your persona but also the imagination of a woman who never tells her husband to shave it off because it brutally bruises her even when she thinks of you being intimate. 

http://www.shaveindia.com/pressrelease.php

http://adformula.blogspot.com/2009/12/gillette-mach-3-shave-india-movement.html

It's utterly stupid to not to shave if such pretty faces are convincing you to.

Reason 3: Bodyguard: After Freedom Fighters and Defense personnel, the only people I respect from the bottom of my heart  are those 64 people who survived the inevitable wrath of this movie in theatre  and had the courage to take all those bullets in their brains. They had the sense of duty, courage and urgency in the times of national crisis which motivated them to write their last words as reviews before dying of mental trauma on www.imdb.com  for this movie, to avert this national disaster. May their soul, RIP!

Reason 2: Rakhi: This one name use to remind me of a pious festival….until… she came into Bollywood. Life has never been the same. Honestly, It is still hard to believe that a female and her Cosmetic Surgeon is unable to understand the difference between a cosmetic surgery intended for humane-seduction and that of an alien species. They say that “less is more” and “some things are better left unsaid”. That should suffice here for the absence of my further comments.

Reason 1: Recession: Come on! It’s still in vogue to blame anything that human mankind has not been able to achieve on this 9 letter word.

  *peace*

What is Cosmopolitan Stupidity?

Disclaimer:

The Cosmopolitan that I am talking about is definitely different from the gossip magazine Cosmopolitan.

This is the inaugural first post and so I am forced to write about what this blog is all about and what it's not going to be about?

 As per Dictionary meaning of the word "Cosmopolitan":

cosmopolitan /ˌkɒzməˈpɒlɪt(ə)n/ 

▶adjective

• 1 familiar with or representative of many different countries and cultures.
  ■ having an exciting and glamorous character associated with travel and a mixture of cultures.

• 2 (of a plant or animal) found all over the world.

▶noun

• 1 a cosmopolitan person, plant, or animal.

• 2 a cocktail made with Cointreau, lemon vodka, cranberry juice, and lime juice.
• 
  

By and large, this isn't going to enlighten you about my forthcoming scribbling. So, just to be on safer (Is that even a word in my vocabulary?) side, I'll say that I intend to address all aspects, meaning and variations of this word henceforth.

'We' refers to a general youth tendency that I have been exposed to and on which I base my observations, inference, prognosis. And so, these observations are bound to be of critical nature and are open to criticism. Criticism are truly welcomed because it's no fun when you don't know how the world is on the other side of the hedge?

My tryst with over 8 schools, graduation college, buddies, cosmopolitan city lifestyle, cosmo culture, dudes, dudettes, youth, athletes, professionals, parties, mess ups, screw ups, fights has been crazy enough to document all this shit. and before you reach off-the-record judgments  let me say it again, it's a "documentation". A documentation of not a star studded perfect life but off beat, abnormal (not extraordinary) life of youth. It's not about a boy or girl but it's about the real secretive us with innate vulnerabilities, insecurities, complexities that we never admit to face. Last but not the least, All the characters, names, instances, creatures in this may or may not be imaginary because I don't hold any guarantee to it. Perspectives can be equivocally interesting or boring. 

 I guess that's enough Blah! to help you figure that there is a lot of Stupid Shit about to hit the fan. So, go run for your life. In case, you have endured this far in reading this scribbling (LOL!) and intend to share your side of the story, criticism, opinion etc...YOU are welcomed on this 'cheap' easy access space.